sacreligious

never going to simon bs after living in bolivar seems wrong to me. it is named after the town! shame amy, shame - - -

shaaaame.

so I'm in bolivar for a few days and so far it is going really well! lunch with friends, playing at the park, eating in fun small town resteraunts! yay for life!! and then -

the cu de gra - -

Pride and Prejudice!! I'm so excited!!

I'll tell you about it later :)

update!

life is going well, I've been too busy to get online long enough to remember to write in this blessed little blog - so thats a good thing right?!

Right now I'm waiting on my piano student - ot seems he is skipping his lesson today, but thats ok because it leaves me time to eat :)

I still love love love my apartment, and God is super awesome in the way he pushes money my way when I'm sure I'm broke :)

I'm still only waitressing - there's a new mission building going up in a couple of months and I'm hopeing to get into that - its called cross world, and I really want to work with them, they seem amazing :)

I just realised I have way too many smilie faces on this thing - oh well!! that means Im happy right? I am - and thats good - I was getting worried for a while there, that that might not happen again.

well, he is officially 20 + minuites late, so I'm going to go have lunch/dinner! ciao!

packrat

the new apartment is awesome, and so far living alone is totally great! I love coming home and just chilling out without having to be kind or nice or help anyone out - I can just eat my dinner, watch the office, and read harry potter as I go to sleep. because honestly, after waiting tables all night, the last thing I want to do is help someone else out. Its selfish, but it also totally makes sense :) I can take off the "lets make you happy" smile and just be happy myself.

YET -
I am currently at my parents house to do laundry.

everybody clap your hands!!!!!!!

I have officially moved into my new apartment!!!

There are tons of boxes everywhere and I have way too much random stuff, but I'm loving this :)

I've met one neighbor and she seems really nice, there are a few kids in the buiding, but it was really quiet last night so that should be a good thing.

:D

answer to Crystal :)

I'll be moving in to my very own- only mine apartment.

Its kinda scary becuase of the price, but God keeps saying its a good idea, so I'm jumpin in!! I'm so excited! I was supposed to move in today but the move in got pushed back to wednesday so I'll have to wait. Luckily I got a double shift today so I can distract myself a little :)

not much else to report.... I'm looking for another job, having teo will help out a lot! Hopefully that will work out.....

The move is almost here -

I'm so excited!

I finally went to gates bar-b-que! and that was darn awesome - the people there were really nice and checked on us over and over again. It was pretty awesome.

Later that night I went down to the Power and Light district, and that place is pretty cool - I really need to take more advantage of living in kansas city... this is a cool place!

speaking of, as of next week I will not be living in kansas city anymore, but the lovely suburb Gladstone where my new apartment is!!!!

SUPER excited :)

God is Supercalifragalisticixbialidocious!

Camp rules.

I firmly believe I should work in a camp professionally.

sign language

So I'm still using hand signals to switch lanes, but my car is running really smoothly! I never knew it could actually be that quiet :) so I'm psyched!!! There ya go.

post pone

still no clue on the apartment,

but I really like glee....

they think my aunt has cancer, but I don't believe them. I have absolutely no reason to act like I know better than they do - so why don't I believe them? it is easier for me to deal with - not believeing it...

I'm without a car for a moment again. I hate that.

Thomasification

I found an appartment that fits the cost I had figured on.... but now it seems too expensive.....

grrr! I was so excited a few hours ago!!!

I dunno what to do-

affirmative

it works!

I so totally forgot about this thing :)

Can I start a fire in a planting pot? I'm gonna find out tonight. I want a small fire for something, but haven't found anywhere in these city limits to burn without consequence.... so I'm opting for my backyard!

I'm meeting up with a sbu friend tomorrow, I'm pretty excited, but my car has decided to throw a (hopefully small) tantrum and mess with my plans. Hopefully fin will be had any-whoo.

oh - and harry potter is still darn awesome.

coinkidink?

I've been having a tough time of it lately, not being able to sleep for all the cruddy stuff going through my mind and tonight was the first night of vacation bible school.

I l o v e vacation bible school :) I have the preschool class (nine crazy 3-5 year olds) and I had more fun tonight than I've had in a long time!!! When I arrived home from my awesome day (which also included a nice Jeremiah concordance study, a pleasant bank account, and a cute necklace)

when I got home - the devil showed up in the form of a mean letter from old friends, and an old number bringing opportunity to fail miserably, and an obscure letter from a loan company I do not understand.

At church on Sunday, the pastor said that the stronger we get, the harder the devil works -

knowing the devils schemes for what they are helps.

covert affairs

I'm winning over the starved dog next door by frisbeeing bologna over the fence onto the deck.

oh yeah.

kingsly-ish

Be Earnest Earnest Earnest-
Mad if thou wilt!
As if the stake were heaven
and thy deeds the last

asallaam wallekuum

I found a new favorite restaurant!

I finally went to the indian restaurant at zona rosa - Swagat - and it was amazing!! I didn't realize how much I missed India until I was in that place, ordering food, drinking masala tea, eating garlic nan, smelling India!!

I almost cried as I was drinking the tea, it smelled exactly like the tea in the little huts on the other side of the world - it smelled like Zusna, Rema, Bidou, Loni, Mumtaz - so many of my friends that I miss dearly.

I miss India!! I miss the glamor, the gold, the red and the green, all the random importance on appearance-

*sigh

long time no sea

I feel like its been a super long time since I wrote anything, but I think its just because time has been moving so slowly lately....

that being said, there's not much to say --- except that fireworks are awesome and knitting is hard business.

the color nine

can you smell it?

ahhh

I really wanted to write about all the great things (and terrible that turned out great things) that happened to me this week, but every time I tried to write them out the massiveness of the information overwhelmed me and I couldn't do it.

I do have to say that God is amazing :) I was dreading camp for weeks, thought I couldn't go because of work, freaked out not knowing anyone there, and then I got lost and stuck in the mud on the way there (very much like the first chapter of Perelandra!) before arriving at the camp and having a great and glorious time.

I just can't quite say all that he did, it would take away some of the magic of it.... but I was low, I was high, I won scrabble, I got burnt terribly, and ate some great food :)

bah!!!

grrrrrr

zut alor -

dang flabbitt

I'm hemorrhaging money and can't bring any in!!!

my religion

creek dancing
pond watching
bug biting
light listening
cry laughing
irony smiling

always living
always evolving

ho hum

I was going to talk about my new job but I was boring myself. I'll talk later when I have more fun stories :)

made a new friend and beat her in scrabble - always a good time... yeah thats about it - I go bridesmaids dress shopping tomorrow night, hoping to stay away from yellow!!

the more terrible the deamon

So I read the last few chapters of the great divorce yesterday (I was pressed for time) and I had forgotten how amazing that book is!! Everything I read just leapt off the page into my heart, my past, my soul - I'm tellin ya, CS Lewis was indeed a kindred spirit!!

And heaven is going to be so darn amazing - existence without sin - where joy always wins over sorrow and desire is free to run wild as lust is extinguished. Desire as a white stallion with gold hairs, carrying the man on toward the sun. Heaven is going to be even better than the book's heaven, and that simply blows my mind because I can not think of anything better than what that book portrays -

I love this God :)

crazy zone

I've been emotionally strung out recently!! But last night I got to go see my BFF for the first time in months, and that was really really nice - then I sneaked into a little pond and fountain area to have a nice long chat with the maker, and that was definitely worth the bug danger I was in :D

Now I'm double booked... I committed to a camp when I was working in Bolivar, but now that I have a brand new job I'm nervous about asking for a week off - only a week and a half away! I was hoping the problem would go away on its own, but sadly no. I'd feel terrible canceling, but I've been fired before for asking for a week off on short notice.

And I need to call my loan company - they haven't billed me since I changed my address - I spent an hour on the phone getting that right, but now I'm thinking it didn't work.

GAAAAHHHHHH!
breathe. its not that bad - its just the crazy zone.

successful day :)

I shadowed one of the waitresses tonight and it all went well! I'm still on training till Sunday, but I think its all going to work out well :)

One of the waitresses went to SBU, and we talked about Dr Frost - another one went to my high school - its been nice to have commonalities, very nice.

a n d.. I had a successful thrift shop run today - after years of complaining, I can now say that I have bought a pair of jeans at the Salvation army :) yay cheap work clothes!

ciao-

take the gun, leave the connoli

I love living in the city :)

Fiesta Italiano was tonight, a big bandstand festival at Zona Rosa, all for the Italian culture.

Great food, great entertainment - it was awesome!! Totally made me want to watch Godfather tonight, but I already had other plans... but definitely Godfather night asap!

and I finally ate a connoli! I love this city.

much ado about nothing

okay, so three interviews later and I have the waitressing job. The guy mentioned that they're really flexible with people having other jobs, so that's good, if I ever get a real job....

I start tomorrow during church, but I'm kinda relieved not to have to choose which sunday school to go to. For some reason, everyone wants me in their sunday school class! This is craziness - sunday school classes should be easy. At least I get to put this off for another week :)

I agreed to work a couple camps this summer, but now I'm thinking I should work instead since I just started this job. I feel bad calling the camp though - BUT I haven't heard from them in a while so I'm hoping that if I ignore this problme it will go away??

yeah - because that has worked SO WELL for me over the past year.

small victories lightly thrown

I know which little nobbie thingie in my car is the one to check on the radiator.

:D oh yes. I'm well on my way to being a mechanic...

student loans!!

they may be stopping me from journey man. Because I have a private loan, I only qualify for a deferment if I'm a doctor! I don't see how this is going to work, but I'm still sure it will all work out.

Don't forget to pray though :)

unemo

so, for a random update....

I'm looking into a part time job right now so I can get some funds coming in - I plan on working harder on a real job after that -

I still have half a case of Dr Pepper left :) Yay for self control!!

Just got back from my Grandma's house - I'd been avoiding her, but I had a really really good time there...

I'm actually getting busy even without a job -

and that's about it. I usually post when I'm emotional, so this was me being normal?

patience

I hate those songs that say that you have to be living your life now the way that you ultimately want to live your life. As if I my life isnt what I want it to be, that I need to change that tomorrow.

you can't always fix what is wrong in life. Sometimes things are beyond your control and all you can do is wait patiently for God to finish this part of life.

I don't know if I believe this or not - but I know that I cannot make everything better tomorrow, and I couldn't make everything better on my own if I had my whole life to do it. Our lives are impacted by other's choices as well as our own. We have to deal with what we've got - and sometimes a lot of crap settles in one place.

Here I am Lord - Send me.

scars

scars happen, and its okay! You have to be living to get scars, and hopefully they teach not to make the same mistakes.

But I'm scared of my scars - somehow I've convinced myself that the scars will stop me from ever moving forward in life. But that's silly. I've been collecting scars all my life - this one may be bigger and uglier, but in time I'll roll up my sleeve and proudly tell my story :)

on a lighter note, how have I never discovered the joy of buying sheet music from popular songs? I bought the piano part for "fireflies" by owl city, and I had so much fun playing it! I'm going to look into getting more of these. Maybe there is more pianoing in me yet!!

one more round

moved into kc today - left bo mo in the dust and had the perfect soundtrack :)relient k followed by superchick. A soundtrack in life is important. now for the life part!!

a time to sleep

its never time to sleep.

its always time to PARTY!!!

therein lies my problem. half the time, its time to sleep. my mind does not recognize this fact.

I'm moving back to Kansas City!

I packed my first bag tonight :)

This is a good thing.

chicken little

I always think of awesoem things to say here - to express perfectly what is going on in my heart. I think of stories, metaphores, even saying it right out -

but then I figure....

I don't want to put that out there. Just in case.

So I keep it inside, tucked back where it came from and push on. Its better for dreaming though - at least it formed into a solid thought.

weird day

weird day.

bad hair day

I got stiffed by three tables today! I'm slightly upset at the American value system right now, thinking that a bad hair day would affect my tips so much!!

day 2

This is day two of a two day no tv or movie period. My roommates are in the other room watching tv. I have cloistered myself in the bedroom but I cant think of much to do. I've found the last Jane Austen book I haven't read - but is that cheating? Isnt it like watching tv anyway??

bah!

God has challenged me to go two days without tv or movies (including hulu!!!) and tonight I am kinda crazy. I'm thinking about the ex, the new girl, wondering what the use is of absolutely everything, I just can't find a way to rest...

maybe this is why he said 2 days and not 1.

10 things I hate about you

I think I'm getting sick - is that a good enough excuse to watch abc family on hulu for hours on end? I can call it resting, right?

how do you make every day count when your head feels five times its normal size and your body is always on the verge of sleep? How bad is it to waste that kind of day?

strangely

I feel strangely connected to this site as of late. I am anxious to come on and type even though I have nothing in particular to say... This may be a withdrawal symptom from my facebook and email purging....

I'm even more certain I should leave this town at the end of next month, but I'm also even more reluctant to leave. I feel like I have put so much work into building relationships and creating a place for me here, that it seems like quitting or giving up to leave.

I'm really not a quitter - quite the opposite really. I'm very much stubborn and want to finish whatever I embark on.

So much to ponder - so why can't I get HIM and HER off my mind?!

hey now

So I had to put sugar in my coffee today - I think it had to do with my not eating much sugar over the last couple of days though. And one sugar pack was enough... but I'll try not to again!!

I've turned my phone off for most of the last few days and the only person who has gotten upset is my boss, becuase he wanted to know if I could work for an extra hour the next day.

Silly man - I am not on call as a waitress when I am off!! If I were a doctor and he were calling about someone dying, this would make more sense. But my friend not being able to come in a 4 is not am emergency. AND I didn't have to deal with it till I was at work! I'm liking this no phone thing :)

so I've switched my emails completely, shut down my facebook, and am turning my phone off. I'm doing this because I am too stuck on hoping a certain boy will suddenly remember that he loves me. This hope is debilitating. So I'm cutting off the sources of hope..... but I think I might have to move for this to be complete.

I'm just getting settled into this little town....but my mental health is extremely important. Oh Bah. Zut Alor!!

SO that is my recent quandry. Do I stay in the same town, risking running into him and his new future wife, or to do I go somewhere where I can breathe?

whew!

I was worried blogger wouldn't let me log in because I switched emails. This is good - I'm glad I can still be on!!

I'm going into hiding, but I will probably still chronicle my life here.

Major sifting going on now - there has to be gold somewhere - doesn't there????

press on.

forgiveness

My friend just informed me that most people don't name their plants.... I don't see why not. I like my plants. If I don't name them - how will I keep them alive??

also, I am meeting with someone Monday night whom I have had major problems with, and so I need to forgive them before I see them to prevent screaming and fighting and other such drama.

This will be good. Forgiveness is good. Plus, I realized I have done all the same things to God that I'm so mad at this other person for. SO the forgiveness will the rather two sided. Yet another good thing.

I realized I am slightly reluctant to give up my anger. I think I see my bitterness and anger well earned and kind of a badge of honor - which is rather stupid, but supported by my favorite movie: Pride and Prejudice.

When Jane leaves to London to chase after Bingly, Mr Bennett is telling Lizzie that its her turn to be rejected by a boy "A girl likes to be crossed in love now and then, it gives her a sort of distinction amongst her friends"

Well, my high school WAS accredited with Distinction. So I guess this is my destiny :)

Oh how I love absurdity!!

new day

I'm trying to drink coffee without sugar.

This morning I had half coffee half milk and success. I've just brewed some at home and we'll see how this goes....

:) bear with me - this is big!!!

no work

I was all dressed and ready to go to work when my boss called and said there was no business and I shouldn't go in. I was too awake to go back to bed and too ready to leave to just sit and watch tv.

SO I left as if I were going to work - I went to the post office and my car was going crazy! When i would put it in park it would rev up as if I was slamming on the gas -

SO I went to the car place and they just had to adjust some nob they had messed up on and I was on my way again, this time to the library. While perusing language stuff, I found the Complete Book of Ettiquite by Miss Manners...

SO I spent an hour reading about the correct and polite way to eat oysters, give gifts, deal with annoying friends, and even the polite way to have a one night stand. I will add that Miss Manners is one of my favorite people in the world right now, though I'm sure she would not approve of me. That being done I checked out some books and headed home in the great sunshine. After doing some very productive things I saw that Gilmore Girls was on tv!

SO I sat in awe and complete happiness watching my favorite two girls get into silly argements with thier parents and some cute boys. My time being sufficiantly wasted, I went to work the dinner shift - and actually made money!!!

Oh happy day :)

I did it!!

So I went to Springfield for my night out even though no one could come. After complaining enough, God mentioned he was free to come with me :)

we had a great time - bought cool Jewelry, fun glasses, great Italian food, and saw an amazing movie!!!

I also ran into a friend of mine and got to hang out with her and her work friends for a little while!!!

I am so happy that God showed me that I can still have fun and a life independent of anyone else...

dispensable

before I left for India, I never had quite enough time for all that I had to do, and for all the people in my life. Being gone for six months teaches people to live without you however, and they seem to have realized I am totally dispensable.

anyone want to go see clue Friday night? I really just need to get out of bolivar - I've been in city limits for two months and I need to get OUT!

but apparently I need new friends for that.

converse

Easter Sunday -

First Sunday as New Preacher -

Shoes: Converse.

I'm gonna like this guy :)

all fools day

today has reminded me of my foolishness. I was doing something stupid and time wasting when I realized it was April 1st.
I just stopped where I was and what I was doing. I have been dreading april for months, ever since it stopped being the crown jewel of months that it was supposed to be. Its already April.
April!
Oh what a fool I am :(
sorry, if I explain any more, this will turn into a diary - but just know that I am learning - to not waste time and get up. I still feel like I just got back from India, but its been months!! I still feel like he just broke up with me, but its been months!!
What a fool.
Happy April.

I used to be a fish!

I was going to talk about a movie I saw recently, but it has been too long and it all seemed forced. Rent the movie ponyo.

I got pulled over last night for not having my lights on. I just smiled and said that I had just gotten the car and that I wasn't used to it yet.... I got off thankfully! But folks, this is not the first time I've been pulled over for forgetting my lights, even though when I saw the cop, I was sure they were already on.

goodness.

good prophet.

So the fight caused by Jeremiah brought about massive conflict, but then the beginning of healing. We talked, fault was admitted on both sides, and the roommate situation is stabilized.

I should have known naming my plants after such rocky prophets could be trouble. Jeremiah didn't bring totally good news to his listeners. It was bad bad news, with a happy ending. Thank you Jeremiah, and may this only be the beginning of our journey towards reconciliation.

By the way - what should I name my next plant? is there any book or character in the good book that had a totally awesome and non-rocky life? I'm coming up blank.... which I never noticed before :)

prophet

I have a plant named Jeremiah, he's therapeutic and he makes me happy.

Jeremiah has turned on me! He has secretly been housing a whole army of ants that have attacked my room and yet again turned my roommate against me.

door just slammed three times...cursed plant.

out of it

today is my day off, I stayed up late watching disney movies last night, slept till noon, took a long hot bath and went to walmart to buy a game.

I got back, layed around for a while, cleaned a little bit and then remembered.

It is St Patricks Day and I haven't even noticed!

Go green!

cruisin

I bought a 38 year old car yesterday. I think it is a wise friend for me.

My roommates and I have not been bonding or spending time together wich makes things tense when we don't clean up or say hello. BUT tonight I drove up in my sweet 72 LTD and my roomie wanted to go for a drive.

We cruised around the mean streets of Bolivar and went to Sonic for some cherry limeades. The cute carhop guy loved the car, and we got out and explored the massiveness that is my trunk, backseat, and hood area. This thing is a BOAT.

We got back in, honked at the sonic guys, and went home, happy and friendly.

This is a good car.

bonkers

I saw Alice in wonderland last night and I think I had about three epiphanies in less than two hours (besides believing in 5 impossible things before breakfast)!

I've always hated Alice in Wonderland, thought it was too creepy and weird, I though Alice was a bit messed up and too innocent. I tried reading the book a few months ago and it was AGONIZING - I never even got out of the little room at the very beginning.

So the movie was with Alice at about 20, when she has lost all the spunk of her life and is about to marry a stupid boy (parallel?), so she has lost a lot of her ignorant innocence that I found so abhorrent and is a depressed girl trying to be a woman but who has forgotten who she is. The Caterpillar high on hookah gauges her progress on becoming the "right Alice" the one who can defeat the evil and wins the day. Alice must become herself again to save evryone, including herself.

I have lost myself in this stupid drama over an (apparently) stupid boy and am the "wrong eba" disappointing people and myself as I go through the old world I once knew not remembering a thing.

If only I had a mad hatter to believe in me - to bring me back (and it would be nice he were Johnny Depp :D)

welllllll

I just got off of a very awkward phone call with someone that I care about, but they don't care about me.
I'm not all that great on phone calls.... I come off as mean when I really just want to show love. Its harder to show love to someone when they aren't showing any to you.

Isn't that what being a christian is about? I'm supposed to rejoice in this somehow and show massive love to this person. There is supposed to be blessing for my soul from this isn't there?

Loving those who curse you is harder than the gospels make it seem. I feel jipped, but at the same time I feel like I'm in on the joke. Jesus just smiles as the people agree, knowing that they don't know what is going to come at them as they love their enemies.

Well, I'm in on the joke, but I'm not laughing yet - that will come. eventually.

commitment

I'm mostly committed to not ranting on this sight now that I know I have a reader (hey Crystal!!) haha

thats all

swoosh

electric bill came today.

I feel completely justified in turning down the temperature any time I want to whether my roommates agree or not.

I start tonight.

brrr

I really wanted to come on here and write something that would make me feel a little better about what I wanted to do, the jazz I'm going through, or the anger inside, but when I sat down to write I decided I didn't want to share any of that.

I don't know why, its not like anyone reads this, but just in case they do, I'd rather share fun uplifting things.

There is a green metallic pig that sits on our windowsill that is forever referred to as the green armadillo. It has a pig snout and a curly tail, two little pointy ears and a very fat stomach, but somehow my roommate had never stopped to think that it might not be an armadillo. When confronted with the evidence, she wondered how she had ever thought it was an armadillo - case closed, right?

Every time I look at it now, I think of it as an armadillo. The power of suggestion? Or just an unwillingness to change? I haven't a clue, but I'm thinking of naming him Charlie.

scrumptous

I got a call from my old job today offering my three days a week which would certainly help me pay off my loans and get my car and such... BUT I turned it down. I didn't want my life to be about making money. I wanted a day off to devote to God, and it just didn't seem like an answer to prayer like I thought it would.

So anyway, people think I'm kinda silly for not taking the job - but that almost helps me know that it was the right choice - that its crazy!

I just believe that God is Crazy - and that's what I love most about him. SO - I love being crazy too :D

smoke

bad day all round. I'm still creeped out by my whatshisname and I have to deal with him almost all day today. I'm still the bane of my best friend's life and I almost killed her with smoke inhalation during the 2 hours I'm home today. My money is flying out of my accident prone pockets, and my success has all but flushed down the toilet.

show me the fire and I'll put it out.

On second thought, I'm not ready for that yet. I want to be, but I don't think I am.

My whole life I have been putting the fire off, hoping it will die off on its own and claiming I'm just not ready to face it. the more it smokes and burns, the weaker I am to fight it.

I told God two months ago that it was time to face this. And now I will. I'm not going through this again.

Show me the fire - I'm ready now Lord.

dealing

When my brother was eight he got mad and decided to run away. He packed his little yellow backpack full of his favorite toys and a t-shirt, and he went downstairs - He stayed for two hours, halfway through dinner.

last night I had a fight with my roommates, packed my backpack with the essentials and a bagel, and I ran away.

my brother was still in trouble when he came back upstairs, and was also in trouble for running away and missing dinner, even though my parents were trying to suppress a laugh during the whole lecture.

I came back, but no one is talking to me. I told them both I was sorry etc, but that doesn't fix anything at all.

I think I should have learned from my brother. He was eight, I'm twenty-three.

overheard

yes I said that.

no I would not have said that if I knew you were listening.

I didn't want you to know what I was saying about you.

I was only venting - to tell someone.

Now you know.

good church day

I was pleasantly surprised when my old professor was the speaker in the church I went to today. He was hilarious (something he never was in class) and the sermon was amazing. It was about our belief in the power of God's word. The fact that when he says something, it is true. In creation, he spoke the world into existance and it was good. The passage was over one of Jesus' miracles, where a man travelles to the town Jesus is in and bows down at his feet asking him to save his son from a fatal illness. Jesus did not go - first he said something that seemed rude about only believing what we see. Then Jesus told the man that his son was well. The man had to go all the way home alone. All he had was what Jesus had said.
God promised me something months ago that now seems like a badd joke. A sick mind game, almost like a failed promise (which would ahve devastanting consequences). I ahve begun to wonder what will happen to my faith if this promise never comes true.
In church today He reminded me that his promises do come true. That when the creator of the universe says something, it IS true.
I'm still living in the pre promised land, but it IS true, and I have a little more peace because of that.

at the bottom of the pot

I'm in a bad mood.

I have no good reason, and I don't mean too, it just kinda happens...

when I miss a call from my parents and I think I've offended them
when a work relationship makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong
when I find I'm in a major fight with my best friend for no reason
when I give the wrong impression to someone
when I get jealous even when thats not what I want
when I have to talk about it.

thats the worst. when I really have to sit down and talk about how miserable I am, like I've forgotten or something. like all the progress I though I was making ends up being a temporary illusion.

and I wake up to more sifting. just more fools gold.

cake batter ice cream doesn't need anything to smother it. It is good just the way it is!
dr. pepper goes really well with sweets, it doesn't taste bitter after eating them like other pops do.
very important things to discover. I feel that the ice cream revelation saves me money - and I could really use that.
another piece of wisdom, if your car is smoking, don't try to drive it home.

separation anxiety

how do I separate what I want from God? How do I truly worship Him and at the same time want anything? My prayer life often seems directed at one thing or another because that is what I am thinking about and praying about all day long. I constantly think about ways to fix this or that, and then when God time comes around that's what we talk about.
How do I know which I am worshiping? How do I follow God's direction in my life without taking the focus off him and putting it on my life?
I want Him to be involved with every decision and step that I take, but I want to be following Him instead of pulling him a long and listening to advice. How can I be consumed by Him? what does that even look like?