smoke

bad day all round. I'm still creeped out by my whatshisname and I have to deal with him almost all day today. I'm still the bane of my best friend's life and I almost killed her with smoke inhalation during the 2 hours I'm home today. My money is flying out of my accident prone pockets, and my success has all but flushed down the toilet.

show me the fire and I'll put it out.

On second thought, I'm not ready for that yet. I want to be, but I don't think I am.

My whole life I have been putting the fire off, hoping it will die off on its own and claiming I'm just not ready to face it. the more it smokes and burns, the weaker I am to fight it.

I told God two months ago that it was time to face this. And now I will. I'm not going through this again.

Show me the fire - I'm ready now Lord.

dealing

When my brother was eight he got mad and decided to run away. He packed his little yellow backpack full of his favorite toys and a t-shirt, and he went downstairs - He stayed for two hours, halfway through dinner.

last night I had a fight with my roommates, packed my backpack with the essentials and a bagel, and I ran away.

my brother was still in trouble when he came back upstairs, and was also in trouble for running away and missing dinner, even though my parents were trying to suppress a laugh during the whole lecture.

I came back, but no one is talking to me. I told them both I was sorry etc, but that doesn't fix anything at all.

I think I should have learned from my brother. He was eight, I'm twenty-three.

overheard

yes I said that.

no I would not have said that if I knew you were listening.

I didn't want you to know what I was saying about you.

I was only venting - to tell someone.

Now you know.

good church day

I was pleasantly surprised when my old professor was the speaker in the church I went to today. He was hilarious (something he never was in class) and the sermon was amazing. It was about our belief in the power of God's word. The fact that when he says something, it is true. In creation, he spoke the world into existance and it was good. The passage was over one of Jesus' miracles, where a man travelles to the town Jesus is in and bows down at his feet asking him to save his son from a fatal illness. Jesus did not go - first he said something that seemed rude about only believing what we see. Then Jesus told the man that his son was well. The man had to go all the way home alone. All he had was what Jesus had said.
God promised me something months ago that now seems like a badd joke. A sick mind game, almost like a failed promise (which would ahve devastanting consequences). I ahve begun to wonder what will happen to my faith if this promise never comes true.
In church today He reminded me that his promises do come true. That when the creator of the universe says something, it IS true.
I'm still living in the pre promised land, but it IS true, and I have a little more peace because of that.

at the bottom of the pot

I'm in a bad mood.

I have no good reason, and I don't mean too, it just kinda happens...

when I miss a call from my parents and I think I've offended them
when a work relationship makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong
when I find I'm in a major fight with my best friend for no reason
when I give the wrong impression to someone
when I get jealous even when thats not what I want
when I have to talk about it.

thats the worst. when I really have to sit down and talk about how miserable I am, like I've forgotten or something. like all the progress I though I was making ends up being a temporary illusion.

and I wake up to more sifting. just more fools gold.